Hi ellima, I know the feeling very well
((hugs))
It sucks when you know them beforehand (or maybe its just the addiction hiding for you to be attracted? I do not know).
And if they always showed their true colors, it would be so much easier! It is all the more difficult when there were really good times. And it hurt me a great deal when I knew he could let all those moments go in exchange for JACK DANIELS WHISKEY.
So, it sucks because you had an idea of the person and then WHAM it was all a sham and you do not know what was real anymore...
I also miss what seemed to be my best friend at the time. But I know that person is dead, too, and I need to mourn him and move on...
Sometimes I start feeling compassion and conclude my best friend is not lost, because I carry the memories and I enjoyed the moments 100% and at least MY heart was there - that AH's best traits I carry with me, all my life, and he is still alive in that sense - and it helps a little.
Then I overhear he calls me an enemy and I am just like, what, how can you suddenly forget what we lived? And I just want to forget him,
ALL about him and our story together, I do not give a damn anymore and feel like a total idiot for longing someone that TODAY June 12th, 2009 at 3:40 PM CDT is so cruel and selfish - a typical alcoholic in deep denial.
It is just madness.
Please be extra gentle with yourself ((hugs))