I am sorry you are going through this too. I swear they all come with the same book of how to treat the 'hostage' they take. I could have written your post from my own experience. It is brutal and we start to think if we are really crazy. I went as far as to record us when he was drinking, as he always said I started a fight which caused him to go off on me, and I believed him... until I listened to the recording. I still listen to the recording when I feel like 'if I only did something different, I could have made him stop drinking'.
I will pray that things get better for you. You are worthy of all good things, and in time they will come your way. It's a hard road, but a worthwhile trip.