Enabler.. hmmm..
I'm not sure how to feel about this. Intellectually I know that by staying with the A and not challenging the behaviours I 'enabled' them to continue. Did I enable him to behave like that by staying? I'm truly not sure. I'm not trying to opt out or cop out but my feeling about my situation is that there is nothing I could have done.. by act or omission.. that would have changed him or his behaviour. I threw the kitchen sink at it (not literally!).. from being proactive to reactive to inactive.. and nothing changed. Actually that is not true.. something did change.. me. But HE was RESPONSIBLE for him. If someone buys me a box of chocolates do I have to eat them and then blame the person who bought them for it because I put on weight? No.. I'm an adult and I make choices. Even if those choices are coloured by addiction they are mine. I have yet to see a smoker blame the store keeper, his family, his friends for his addiction as he smokes a pack.
Every feeling I had during that time was valid. I might not have dealt with things perfectly but how I felt was true. The A (the night before the 'incident') said are you co-dependent. Never before had he said anything like that to me. Why did he say it? Well in context it was just another inventory taking.. another thing to throw at me to validate his behaviour. I think it is a cop out when the A blamethrows. I think it is a cop out when the family/friend/loved one is pigeonholed as 'enabler'.
So I guess I'm saying we are all responsible for ourselves.. the A, the family, the friends etc. I am loathed to say that someone always had the option to walk away.. because that is not always true. Each case on its own merits. That said.. in my case, I protected him from the consequences of his actions. I stayed. I take ownership of that. It does not make me a bad person. I loved someone and it just turns out that they didn't love me back (or they did but it was in a dysfunctional way?) and I stuck around for longer than I should have. I agree that someone shouldn't be berated for that.
Part of the OP really resonated with me. If I was proactive I was wrong, if I was reactive I was wrong, if I was neutral I was wrong. Bottom line is.. you're wrong.