Ok, I never made an attempt at sobriety without a higher power or the 12 steps before so I don't really know what I'm doing here. I do know I need support and that's why I'm here. So since I don't really know anything more than I want to get off the pain pills and stay off of them, I have decided to start this thread and add to it as my heart desires in a journal sort of way. I hope that's okay here. Please feel free to comment, if you like. I feel like I have to start somewhere and I guess this is it.
I am not used to asking for help. I am used to being the helper.
Let me tell you a little about myself so it doesn't seem like you all have a stranger hanging out amongst you.
18 years ago I got sober thru AA. I was an alcoholic and a pot head. I did the AA program for a year and then moved on to do a personal program my own way. I kept close to the AA principles and I read daily from several Hazeldon daily meditation books. I felt I did well this way. I was comfortable in this approach.
Nine years into my sobriety I made a job change and went into a field of work where I was bullied. I did a lot of job hopping for about seven years because of this, as I tried to find a job where this sort of thing didn't happen in this field, however, I couldn't find a place. What I ended up doing was going back to the kind of work I'd initially done.
The bullying I'd experienced lasted for seven years and had lasting effects for me. Thru all that time, I began to lose my faith in my God. I cried and prayed for relief that never came. I tossed my God to the wayside as I questioned the validity of a God at all. It was during this time that I had surgery and was given narcotic pain meds to which I thoroughly loved the way they made me feel. They were like a welcome relief after all the bullying I'd been thru. I soon learned how to keep a steady supply of these meds in the house.
After the surgery, I was ready to go back to work, but the company I'd taken a medical leave from decided that instead of taking me back, they were going to lay me off. And so began a terrible financial decline for me in which there was a bankruptcy, a lost home, many failed attempts at employment, much depression, loss of self esteem, and anger.
I went thru a several month period along the way in which I gave up the pain pills, but obviously I ended back on them or I wouldn't be here.
In the past five years I have looked in other spiritual directions and have also learned a lot about myself. I currently follow no particular spiritual path but I do very much enjoy reading about others spiritual experiences. I use the term God and the words pray and prayer alot becaue I am at a lack for an alternative term. I am also aware that many people are comfortable with those terms even if I am not. If I use them here and you are uncomfortable with it please do not hesitate to let me know. I do not wish to offend anyone. It is hard sometimes parting from terms that have been with you a lifetime.
I am the founder of my own message board and if anyone would like to have a look at it, please feel free to PM me and I would be glad to give you the link. This is specifically a message board for people with high sensitivites. I discovered this about myself five years ago and this is when a lot of things fell into place for me about why I felt the depth of what I felt about everything. After tireing of other boards of the same nature online, I decided to create one of my own.
I am currently on a taper from the pain pills. I am in my third week of taper. I've had one set back in the three weeks. I'm still experiencing some depression, some body aches and am lethargic. I take a low dose of Xanax to sleep at night and will taper from that as I become more and more well from the pain pill addiction.
I am ruled by my emotions and as a result I eat or want to stay high. I need work in this area since I view this as the main reason for not being able to stay clean and sober.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my father was an alcoholic, my mother was emotionally unstable and my brother sexually abused me. I have addressed these issues in my adult life and feel that I have moved beyond them to a healthier place.
I am in a long term relationship of nine years. We have a good relationship. He does not know I suffer from pain pill addiction. He is aware I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Ummmmm.........I can't think of anything else at the moment. If you have any questions, please ask. If you can add a bit of wisdom or humor to my day, I would greatly appreciate it.