Will's CBA (cost benefit analysis)
What I enjoyed about using alcohol/drugs:- That mind blowing high.
- Feeling invincible and all knowing. LOL
- I don’t like to admit it: manipulating others with drugs for sex.
- The fast and crazy life style.
- My identity as an atheist anarchist outsider.(I thought I was crankster gangster but in reality I was a tweekster geekster.)
- My complete ease with social situation; night clubs, concerts, what the hell, everywhere people gather.
- I actually liked that sucked up, speed freak appearance of being slim.
- The ability to work 72 hours non-stop on my art projects, cleaning my small rental or buffing and polishing the ball bearings and race on my bicycle wheel hub assembly.
- The belief that I was a highly talented but widely misunderstood and undiscovered artist. LOL.
The downside about using alcohol/drugs: (To put it lightly)- Damages my self-worth. (I would feel like a total waste of human flesh.)
- My psych meds were turned to mush and rendered useless.
- Delusional. (Meth/alcohol madness.)
- Exaggerates/exacerbates my depression, anxiety, ADD and personality disorder (SMB) & (my often fluxing personality would drive people away).
- Grain/body tissue damage and poor nutrition, yea jacked-up.
- A-motivational. (when I ran out of dope, I had to absolutely struggle to go anywhere, except to the dealer of course).
- Faulty decision making.
- Alienates family/friends: (Just totally **** off people with my outrageous behavior.)
- Guilt, embarrassment, remorse and shame. (repeat the same dumb mistakes over and over.)
- Work performance suffers or job termination.
- Obsessive thinking about next use of AOD. (Fiendishly craving for more dope.)
- Cost prohibitive. (I was perpetually broke.)
- Withdraw/detox. (the anxiety and depression was dreadfully excruciating.)
- Criminal behavior.
- Dangerous associations with criminals.
- Incarceration in jails or psych wards. (WAFWOT that was!)
- Homelessness.
- Risk of contracting hepatitis C, AIDS and STDs.(how did I miss that stuff??)
All the stuff I am enjoying and hope to benefit from by being clean and sober.- Psych meds are working great.
- Building better self-efficiency .
- Better health both psyche/soma.
- A mostly semi-stable life style.
- Good (at least endurable) relationships with family/friends.
- I am learning to manage my emotions (through REBT/CBT tools, Zazen, and Buddhism and more along those lines) and motivate myself.
- I can budget my money: maintain rent, car, and have money for fun stuff.
- I could do some volunteer work at the Hospital & Animal Shelter. ( 8th & 9th Step?) LOL
- I could return to college and complete the Addictions Disorders Studies / A.S. degree I started.
- I’m currently attending support groups, visiting a therapist and psychiatrist at the Mental Health Department.
- I am developing sober friendships, going to sober dinners and dances at a local Alano Club.
- Currently forming a healthy and respectful relationship with a wonderful woman.
Practicing safe sex. (yea ; Having sex) - Staying out of lock-up facilities.
- Looking into a hobby. (Hobby Rocketry sounds like fun to do again).
- I have become political / environmentally active.
- Attending a weekly art group.
- Started to have fun with art projects and funky crafts again.
Things I might miss because of not using AOD- I do say I miss the unrealistic high I got from drugs. (Yet, I don’t miss the horrid disabling come down). Maybe take up street luge for the adrenaline rush.
- Ease with social interactions. ( I’m learning stress reduction and desensitization techniques to deal with that.)
- Being thin. (I can diet and exercise.)
- My identity as atheist anarchist outsider. (I can still be an atheist anarchist outsider
and be clean and sober. The good news is: I don’t have to throw me away to find a renewed me).