Katie09

You're right D. Life isn't over until we stop breathing. But the LAST thing I want in my life is someone else to judge me. It's 2:30 a.m. and I've decided sleep is out for the night. I can't say how bad I'd like a drink to numb everything out. I've realized, vis a vis those messages yesterday that the world just has contempt and scorn for people with my issues - oh sure, none of you judge me and I am grateful for that, but if you could have heard those messages you'd understand why I say this. Any trust I had in him is out the window. Perhaps he thought that by saying what he did in the way he did it would make me wake up and take notice. Instread, I'd just like to drown myself in a bottle of booze and call it a life. Instead I am drinking coffee and chain smoking - but the store opens in four hours and then what. Then what.

I hate what I've become. It's hard to hate yourself and reach for sobriety at the same time. It just is and I don't see how I can do this feeling this way. At any rate, just getting this stuff out. Going to finish this cigarette, have more coffee and clean the kitchen. I have three hours and 45 minutes before the store opens. Gosh, I think I may be a REAL alcoholic here. Normal people don't look at the clock at 2:50 and think about when they start selling booze. Three hours and 40 minutes to figure out an alternate plan. Anyway, just blabbing here. I'll get over it.