Originally Posted by
Freepath 
You go to your therapist, you describe your problems, you get a chance to vent and to express how you feel, you get help and support, and it isn’t helping?
No, it's not. I have a session on Wednesday...I'm thinking about making it my last one.
Originally Posted by
Freepath So, you run down to the pharmacy, you put your money down to pick up some pills which have been evaluated by the FDA as safe an effective. Do you not notice a difference? If you really don’t, then why bother taking them? If the medicines keep you from drinking, they are doing some good, in my opinion.
Why bother taking them? I'm supposed to give them time to work. I'll stop taking them if I don't see an improvment in the next couple of weeks.
Originally Posted by
Freepath Tink! Did you hear that? That was the needle on my BS meter pegging itself to the maximum position.
I'm not geting what I need. I'm so lonely...and hollow inside. Some things I do helps a little...but nothing gets rid of this feeling. It's constant...no matter what my mood it's there in the background.
Originally Posted by
Freepath Then why is it a rollercoaster ride? …and all you can do is wait for your mood to go on a sharp upswing AGAIN? So, maybe a more accurate statement is that the pain comes and goes, but it seems to keep coming back. What causes the pain? What makes it go away? The next time the pain comes, write down what happened; write down what you are thinking; write down what other people said.
I do write down what happens. Shoot...I don't need to....It's the same things...and nothing changes. And before you ask, I don't know how to fix it. That's why I'm in this shitstorm.
Originally Posted by
Freepath Sure you can. Everyone does. We, as addicts and alcoholics, tend to over estimate the horrible nature of fairly common and benign things, and we tend to have a low tolerance for frustrating events. Just because you are human, you have emotions and you get depressed, doesn’t necessarily mean that you cannot continue to live. Every person alive knows what it means to be depressed. Perhaps not to the extent that you are depressed, but this leads nicely to my next point.
Living to survive is not living. I don't care for the pain. I don't like my life. I don't like who I am...and a lot of who I am I cannot change. People say things like if you can't change things, then change your perception. I don't know how to do that. For example, I have terrible skin. Bad acne...and I'm almost 30. I can find no way to feel good about that. And I see it all the time so I'm constanly reminded of it. I've been to a dermatologist...and...surprise...nothing works. My skin is ugly. People do not like acne...and I know why. It's repulsive. I'm living proof. How the f*ck do I sugar-coat that?
Originally Posted by
Freepath You have control over your emotions, probably more than you appreciate. The next time you are depressed, write down what seemed to make you feel that way. Then the following time, when the same situation occurs, control your emotion. Give it a try.
I've tried that. Several times. Epic FAIL.
Originally Posted by
Freepath Instead of thinking: He hates me.
Think: How sad that he is struggling with hatefulness
Instead of thinking: That b@stard needs to die.
Think: Since I cannot change his behavior, I am indifferent to his hostility.
Instead of thinking: Everything is all screwed up.
Think: It is too bad that this situation is bad. I’ll either fix it or lump it.
Instead of thinking: This is pi5sing me off.
Think: Why am I allowing myself to get upset?
Instead of thinking: I am powerless over this depression.
Think: People have control over destructive emotions, especially when they challenge irrational beliefs.
Most of what I get upset about has to do with me. I don't like myself. I have never liked myself. I had this realization tonight. I don't know how to love myself. All of my faults...all of the things about me that make me socially inept...I don't know how to fix those things. I don't know how to be at peace with my awkwardness.
I feel like I have no way out. It's a terrible place to be. Most of the time I'm barely hanging on. I don't tell my family how bad it is...I don't want them to worry. I wish I could talk about this more and in detail here, but suicide is pretty much a banned topic. I've looked for places on the net to discuss this and I've come up with a whole lotta nothing.
I've noticed that whatever is wrong with me has been getting worse. Pretty soon I'll be too far gone to care.