wow we have some smart people here! There are too many good ideas to quote!
This is what I decided when I agreed to let my husband come home after 2 years of incarceration (and clean time in that controlled environment):
I needed to look at my part in what happened to me. I know the 3 C's...his addiction and his recovery are his. But what did I do that put me in that depressed, victim place?
I DID NOT TRUST MY GUT!
I talked myself out of what my gut was telling me to be true. I started trusting it, and let me tell you it has helped in every aspect of my life. I am a smart woman, I have good instincts...I now utilize my strengths.
I HAD NO PLAN
I was really kicked in the head when he relapsed the first time. I honestly beleived our love would keep him clean (what a maroon! As Bugs Bunny would say)
I have a plan now. I have a current plan to keep my finances safe. And I have a plan of what I am going to do if he relapses, which is call is PO, call his boss, pack him a travel bag of his clothes and drive him to the VA. He can stay for rehab, or he can continue to use, but either way, I WILL BE DONE.
As the co-dependents, we have to learn to focus on us. We MUST focus on us. We have to heal from the hurt, and move on with our lives, with or without the addict.