Bam, im sorry you are feeling this way
when you go outside, what do you think about when you look around? do you think about the interconnectedness of everything you see or do you usually point out things you like/dont like. Do you appreciate the beauty you see or do you think you take it for granted? Are you mindful that you are alive, able to feel things and see/smell/taste/touch things and even things that are not pleasant to the sences are fine because they exist and you are here and able to experience them? Im not telling you what to do or saying you arent grateful or anything, Im just curious, and these are questions i have to ask myself sometimes just to remind myself why i havent jumped off a bridge or something.
My suicidal thoughts used to be constant. My car wouldnt start, id think about killing myself, i ate too much, killing myself, someone cut me off, killing myself etc... These feelings still come to me sometimes and ive been able to realize why they come, they are just a coping mechanism
for me, i can imagine a way out of all the crap and that provides a momentary relief. Im not saying that is why YOU have them, and I am not minimizing your feelings at all,
they are serious and you need help. For me it has helped to identfy why i have them and realize that they are my brain doing the same thing as if i ate a whole bunch of chocolate cause i was depressed, a coping mechanism.
anyway, dont know where i was going with all that, just wanted to let you know that you are never alone. big
s