This is an incredible post. I have learned so much about my own unhealthy situation from reading everything.
RobinsFly--I am where you are in so many way. There have been so many things you posted that resonated--one that has been floating in my head for weeks now is life is too short to be this unhappy all the time. My unhappiness has to do with how I am handling my life. I found as I worked on me I started to become happier and it started to make AH very unhappy because he is losing his enabling codependent. He keeps trying to pull me into his recovery. I am not part of his recovery--I am only part of my own.
Couples therapy--we went down that road many years ago and it was uselss because both of us just fell back into our bad behaviors. He kept getting drunk and high and I kept yelling, threatening to leave, being silently pi**ed off, grinding my teeth, wondering why he could not just work on himself and stop making my life so stinkin' miserable. Then, after coming here the light bulb went on and I realized I don't have to.
Like you--I don't even like AH anymore. I don't think I would like the person he is even if he became sober--all I need to do is look at the rest of his family and realize I am not fond of them either. . . Product of their upbringing-yes. However, so am I. Difference--I took a hard long look at myself and had to admit I wanted to go take a shower. Did it feel good going to therapy and facing me--I actually shudder to remember days I went home almost having panic attacks. I was truly a heartless bit**, liar, controlling lunatic. When I got healthy I had to quit the job I had because I could no longer do it--I needed those qualities I was trying to get rid of to do my job.
I still slip into my old self some times but I recongnize shortly after that I did it and then realize I am not done working on me.
I too am constantly getting the blame for all of his bad behavior--lately I say to myself--you need to go talk to your mom and dad because some of this stuff happened as a result of your childhood. BUT--we cannot blame our childhood. As adults we have a decision to change what we can. My mother was an alcoholic who was mean as the day is long. My dad would hit her when she would antagonize him. My "coping mechanisms" for living with their very unhealthy marriage were unhealthy in my contact with other people once I left the nest. Did both of them help shape my warped view of life--sure did. But I was the only one who could take myself out of there. I could not blame her or my father anymore. I still thank God for the friend who was strong enough to walk up to me one day and tell me how sick I really was. I was very angry with them for years. It took that same person sending me a book about children who grow up in alcoholic abusive homes to find myself right there. I started to work on myself then. It took marrying a
2nd alcoholic, going back to therapy and finding SR to make me realize I still have a long way to go to get healthy but I can't blame AH. Does he pi** me off still-sure does. But I won't let him turn me back into what I was--although it is still a constant struggle day to day.