My X told me I needed counseling, and WE needed counseling.
Being the good codependent, I took him up on both.
The joint counseling was useless. He alternated between clamming up and using it as a bully pulpit for how much I wanted to control him (as in, asking him to remain faithful and sober and self-sufficient)
The individual counseling was priceless. Unfortunately, it unearthed some sad (for him) facts:
--I didn't like him any more. He'd become someone that, if I met all over again, I'd think "SO not my type."
--I didn't respect him any more. He'd spent his entire life (not just his life with me) manipulating people with his passive-aggressive, deceptive behaviors
--I didn't think the relationship was growing me as a person any more, and in fact was taking me backwards.
--I didn't think the relationship was doing HIM any good either. He needed someone who had a much more free-wheeling view on life.
In addition, I learned a lot about myself, namely that I didn't want to control anyone any more, and just wanted compatibility, trust, and laughter in my primary relationship....to feed me on this trip through life, doing whatever it is I was dropped down here on earth to do.
Robinsfly, I have a lot of respect for you, going through these thought processes. I remember too well how much of a drain it was. Good luck to you working through it to a solution that's good for both of you (yes, it is possible).