Originally Posted by
anvilhead 
i suspect there's more going on here than a lack of good communication skills!!! can you just go do counseling on your own? for a while at least? let him do whatever it is he does and just focus on you for a bit?
besides him NOT drinking, has much else really changed? as far as his behaviors and attitudes and how he treats you? are you sure you even LIKE this guy anymore? that's a valid question by the way.......and shouldn't be just waved off.....cuz it could be that the people you are today just aren't suited to the other.......heck, maybe you never were, and are just NOW coming to that realization........just doesn't sound like a super happy and loving atmosphere.......
I agree. There's more going on than learning better communication skills.
No, I don't feel like much else has changed. There is still the enmeshment, reactions, and general lack of joy and laughter.
I feel like he's simply waiting for me to embrace him w/ open arms.
Valid question. Answer is: no, not much. I think I stopped liking him two years ago when I came home from shopping and found him ****-ass drunk while watching our 9-month old twins.
Perhaps it's more about losing respect for him. And I lost respect for
myself for putting up with unacceptable behavior for sooo long.
I really question if we are well suited. Only NOW do I see that we initially connected based on needs, and probably not genuine love.
AH doesn't believe that. He has idealized me, and been dependent on me, and relied on me to pick up the pieces after drunken episodes.
I think, most of all, I'm amazed that he doesn't (appear) to recognize his codependency.
I have this fear that I am not "seeing" something clearly. That perhaps I'll have respect for him again. That we can build something and "start over".
Why can't I trust myself???!
Originally Posted by
liveweyerd I had a big load of blame aimed at me recently.....it took me a couple of days to remember I am not that powerful for it to be ALL ME.
True, that.
Originally Posted by
Still Waters Ah yes, I'm familiar with all this. I too thought we should both get individual counseling (I already was) before trying to do marriage counseling. He told the marriage counselor (and me) that he didn't need any individual counseling, that he wouldn't even know what to discuss with one, that it was me who needed help.
Bottom line in my opinion: You either go along with couples counseling, or you don't. I couldn't. I could not physically sit in there and listen to his lies, his made up fantasy of history, etc. I couldn't do it.
Asking him to get counseling is a small thing, IMHO.
So, if you don't do couples counseling then what?
This is exactly what he told me. That I need counseling.
My guess is: if I quit couples counseling he will throw in the towel. He already indicated this. He absolutely cannot stand to see me completely detach.
He wants reassurance from me, but I can't give that. Isn't that okay?