Old 05-19-2009, 06:39 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Ago
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I've been on both sides of this dynamic, and the only thing I can truly share with any assurance at all is there was always two people there, and both have/had a valid viewpoint, neither of us was 100% right, and neither of us was 100% wrong

His viewpoint and experience is valid, because it is his, your viewpoint and experience is valid, because it is yours.

Having been "in his shoes" kinda sorta, I can see his point, having been in your shoes, I totally see yours. The GF I was involved with when I got sober had all kinds of ideas about what kind of man she wanted me to be when I got sober, so I became that man, new career, quit smoking, went back to school, went to meetings, therapy, couples counseling, became an anal neat freak etc etc

Every few weeks she had something new that was wrong with me that I needed to "fix". After a few years I finally figured out wasn't me that was wrong with our relationship.

Turned out neither of liked this "new guy" I had become, I didn't even recognize who I had become, it took some time but I got more comfortable learning how to be me, turned out we really didn't like each other very much at the end of the day to begin with and we broke up.

I would like to make a very important observation from a man's viewpoint.

We aren't your projects.

We aren't "fixer uppers" like houses or cars.

You just might not like him very much as he is now. Doesn't make him a bad person, doesn't make you a bad person either.

The relationship I was in when I got here, I suggested to her that she go find an emotionally distant guy that just called and came by once a week. I truly think it would have been a better fit for her. I wanted more from a relationship then she knew how to do, and she wanted someone other then me.

Neither of those things made the relationship so painful, it was us so desperately trying to fit a square peg in a round hole that was the painful part.

That all being said, it's my experience if "we" aren't growing closer, "we" are growing apart.

It will come clear, especially if you keep working on yourself, and allow him the freedom to be who he is, his actions will also be helpful for you to make a decision on whether to continue the relationship. But what you see is what you get, you start "fixing" him and your dissatisfaction will become a bottomless hole. It will never end. I can promise you that with emphatically with certainty.

Work on yourself, you got a chance.

Accept him for who he is, then make a decision on whether you like him or not, not try and change the things about him that you are unsatisfied with, and you may avoid forums like this one in the future.

P.S. Welcome back
Ago is offline