Old 05-19-2009, 03:08 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
miss communicat
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Originally Posted by RobinsFly View Post


his old tendency to blame me for his feelings started up again.
As did his passive-aggressive behaviors.

I totally lost it.

I have absolutely NO tolerance for his blaming behavior.
I have absolutely NO tolerance for his constant looking to me for support and validation. he still is not interested in doing his own "work". .
Boy Robin, I can see why you are drained, angry and frustrated.

Alot of wise people here before me have given you some excellent feedback, and i agree with everyone else. You may be outgrowing this relationship.
Your inner growth is calling and you are responding.

Now. Having said all that, I want to share something that happened to me in my own recovery work that I hated at first, but which is really helpful in the long run. (I am a sober alcoholic in AA and a codependent in alAnon)

I've often ended up in relationships with men who "do not work as deeply on themselves as: they need to, as i have, or as I want them to". They'll blame me for their ________(fill in the blanks:stress, being broke, drinking, oversleeping, missing an appointment, ennui, depression, anger, sadness),or they'll say something sexist and say they didn't, they'll behave all Passive Aggressive to the point of making it clear that expressed anger is taboo, they say lots of dumb things sometimes. etc....


I tell you this because it really is possible that one (YOU) can grow beautifully even if one's (YOUR) partner is a jerk and does not get the kind of help one (YOU) thinks he needs. (This is not to say that it also is not possible that this relationship is too toxic for you to remain healthy in. That's your call.)


My sponsor once told me that if i was going to remain in a relationship with someone who had such bad character defects, then that was my right. [B]But[/B] she told me, I need to make his inventory MY inventory for one week, each time i feel like I want to vent all over how dumb/aggravating/etc he is.

That means that if I say he is a blaming baby, I need to own that i am also a blamer and a spoiled brat. If i say he is passive aggressive (aaargghhh!) then, for 1 week, I need to look at my own PA stuff.

Once I started to do this the entire dynamic between me and others has changed..for the better.

just thought I'd share what works for me. I got tired of being pissed off all the time.now I'm not.
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