Daisy,
It's late on the east coast but we are still up here out west. There are others here who will have very good words for you, some will be just what you need to hear. For now I will respond.
When you describe him and what he said and what you feel, all I can think is that the addiction is winning. It is convincing him that he cannot live without it and that he must cave in to it. This is the addict voice and it is very much in charge.
It also wants YOU to cooperate. It wants you to feel so depressed that you cave in to it, too, and give him no bottom lines, change nothing in your life with him, and feel as depressed and as hopeless as he says he feels.
That way the addiction gets to take both of you down.
So, all I can encourage tonight is that you continue to pray to God for guidance, for the right people to speak to you and cross your path and help you as you do what is necessary.
Your husband today is in bondage to a power greater than himself. His only way out is to find something that is a power greater even than that.
In the 12 step programs, that would be God. The God of his understanding. He cannot fight this addiction alone and he cannot fight it with only you by his side.
He needs the spiritual fellowship of other addicts who know what he is up against and can lead him out of the hell he is in.
You cannot do it. But they can.
If he does not wholeheartedly commit himself to seek recovery with a fellowship of other addicts and perhaps addiction counselors....then what he is feeling today and what you are feeling today will never ever change. Well,,,yes it will. It will get worse. It will become much much darker. You know this.
YOU HAVE TO STAND UP to the addiction. You have to DRAW A LINE. His addiction wants you to love him so much that you will never draw that line, never separate, never fight it the right way (and you KNOW what the right way is: you do not enable it in any way by allowing the status quo to continue).
You say "it is not about the drugs" really. Your sadness.
Daisy, it is ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS because the DRUGS ARE DESTROYING HIM. And it is the DRUG that is killing you inside.
So you need to get clear that there is a FORCE inside him and inside your marriage and inside you that is going to take you both down unless at least ONE of you gets into real recovery and makes CONCRETE, mature, HEROIC changes to fight the disease that is sucking the human spirit out of you both.
In the morning I hope a night's sleep will have given you the resolve you need to be firm about your unwillingness to go along with his addiction as it KILLS HIM. And I hope you will find the support from others to help you make the changes which MUST be made to fight that beast.
I am so sorry you are sad and depleted. But you have to FIGHT. And there is a right way to do it and you CAN, by God, do it. You love him. Draw a line against his disease.
much love to you,
Bluejay