Hi.. I've not posted in a while. I've been concentrating on working on myself and getting my life back to 'normal'.
One of the things I'm doing to achieve that is going into counselling. I hesitated about this at first. I knew I needed to talk things through and try and make some sense of what happened during my time with the A: I knew I had to learn lessons. I suppose I was just nervous about revisiting life with the A.
Anyway, I went and continue to go. The lady I am seeing specialises in DV, abuse and addictions. I described my relationship with the A. She said that I had undergone some terrible emotional abuse (as well as the physical culminating in the act that put me in Hospital). One thing she said in my first session struck me. 'Stop blaming the alcoholism'. I realised that for our entire relationship I had put all the behaviours (most of which are in the OP) into a box marked 'what the alcoholic does' and excused him as he excused himself. With the covering of 'he's an alcoholic' I hid what lies beneath.
In some strange way it comforted me when she said that, whilst he was not there and she was in no position to diagnose him, it seemed he had issues and problems out with alcoholism and that there was nothing I could have done, said, or been that would have changed how he was. Deep inside myself I knew he had.
Also, in some strange way, when we discussed how a human being could abuse another (for whatever reason not just because of their addiction to alcohol), it comforted me when she said I had been dehumanised. It is hard to hear but it makes sense. To treat another human being with no compassion or caring, no understanding or sympathy/empathy, to hurt them emotionally/mentally/physically.. you would have to see them as nothing.. like a rat in the street... a pest an irritant, not human.
It is interesting that I've logged on today and seen this thread. I am not a victim. It is not strictly true to say I am not a survivor because I survived physical abuse and I am continuing to function and (hopefully) prosper in spite of the A's opposition to that and in spite of setbacks.
But yes I was a target... and then became a hostage.