Thank you so much for all your comments. I really do appreciate it. I have gone through about a month of depression and anxiety, not sleeping, so I am now seeing a different doc. She knows my situation and put me on Wellbutrin, which I have stopped taking as it made me feel a little unstable, unconciously maybe, but nonetheless . . . I am not the type of person to judge anything when it comes to sobriety, therefore have also looked at the good things that have come out of AA. In fact, in my research I have found nothing but good things. When I stumbled on some negatives, it's in my nature to explore further. I know that what applies to others does not necessarily apply to me. I appreciate this site and getting input from all of you, what a wonderful place to have an outlet. I just go from being proud and confident to asking "why me" and start to regret the things I've done and why I'm this way. That statement alone prompts me to believe that I have more work to do. I wish it wasn't so hard sometimes, but I haven't been drinking! I have a strong willpower that sometimes turns into a complete hatred for anything alchohol, so I think I have more to learn. To let that go would be bliss for me, and I do often feel alone in my struggle. Maybe I do need to reach out and get some advice by attending a meeting. I am also pretty proactive so sitting around and dwelling gets me no where. After over a year, I'm still hanging on to the past apologizing to my parents, husband and son frequently. I don't know how they picked me up after the hot mess I have been in and continued to do so for 11 years of my life. I have regrets, then I'm ashamed. I know my past continues to reinforce my future as I did not drink today, not have I fallen off the wagon. On tough days, and I find they are becoming more frequent, it sucks. I feel like I'm going backwards, where I should be progressing. That is what I'm looking for, a release of all this anger, depression, anxiety, and sometimes downright reclusiveness. I guess I still need some work and going to a meeting can't get me anymore down than I already am. Thank you again for all your advice, besides looking into private couseling, AA sounds like something I SHOULD explore. After all, maybe I won't feel so alone . . .
Thanks again everyone!
Asherah