Stuck
I'm feeling stuck, or sort of trapped today. I wanted to leave town, go somewhere else for grad school, but the grad schools I applied to denied me. So I'm staying here because I've been accepted here. Plan "C" has become my future.
I am really starting to hate living here. I'm worried I'll be back on drugs if I stay. I know too many people here who do drugs. I don't know, maybe that's just running away from the problem. I have a way of using a place up and I did it in fine style this time. I feel like I basically have one friend here, and he's a raging alcoholic. I hate feeling like a hermit, I miss socializing with people. And the crappy thing is that now it's summer, everyone is gone. This town has about 45K people during the school year. 25K during the summer. We live and die with the university.
I was ready for a brand new start in a brand new city, without feeling like I had to hide from the people I knew. In fact, I wanted to go to a city where I knew no one. When I was 18 I moved 700 miles from home to a city where I had no contacts, no friends, and it was amazing. Now every time I go out I worry about seeing a dealer, someone I did dope with, someone I sold pills to (for dope money), or even a specific person I have an unpleasant history with.
I went from hoping ex will come back next semester because we were doing ok as friends to hoping I never see him again. And if he does come back... dear gawd. We have the same major, it's not like we won't see each other. We did so much dope together, and I don't even know that I can really be civil to him at this point.
And to top it off it's been raining for about a week straight, gray skies every day and that always gets me down. And I have a cold. And I have not been out for a hike since Thursday. Once I got into my hiking routine, I find I get really cranky if I don't get to go out. I start to get cabin fever after about 2 days.
Wow. Just call me Sunshine! Thanks for letting me gripe.