My A went away and I was left shocked, bereft, and sick. I loved him deeply.
And though I knew not to track him down, knew not to take him back if he showed up saying all the right things but not living the right life, knew to keep trying to get well and detox myself from the effect of his disease on my heart....
Some days I would think, well, if he does come back, I don't care about recovery. I just want to be with him. I just want to touch him again. I want that smile and those eyes. I'll live with the heroin. If it means I could be in the same room with him again.
Some days I would think, well, if he comes back and he's clean, how long could I be with him? Okay, five years....I'll just hope for five years before he goes back out. If I could just have that much......it will be enough. I'll take it.
I knew I was weak inside. That loving him made me weak. I knew I wasn't sure I could say "go away" if he came back.
So God didn't bring him back. I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly three years.
God did the right thing. I wasn't tested during those weak times. And the A I love wasn't given an enabler on a silver platter.
We both have to be whole, and God knows it.
So.....I understand staying. But hope God helps us out when we shouldn't.