Ever wonder why you stay
For many years after years go by and after swearing repeatedly you cant do this anymore you stay, your not sure why.
For me its all still been a growing process and healing and growing in who I am. But no matter good, bad or indifferent I realized something this weekend. For the first time in 6 years I realized why Ive always let him back and why I stay.
Its the "high" of the their sorrow remorse and want to make it up to you feeling. Somehow that time of switch around made me feel great, made me feel loved, I think even more than the once drama addict I was. It was the thrill of th sweetness.
One day last week I came home and in the middle and unexpected in complete chaos, everything was spotless, could smell dinner cooking in the evening and I felt a serene deja vu feeling, I felt like home as a child, it felt like a fairy tale and I knew, after all these yours what kept me hooked.
For me the knowledge goes into my learning bank of those things that will one day use to break free and the peace that comes with it.
I also notice each time around that feeling is different and perfection lasts a short time as these day, that perfect dinner and clean house also mean a disappearance before the food is put away, and to ease his guilt....a clean house and meals for 2 or 3 days all set. In addition, its all leading me to that path where the next break away will be forever and no looking back. Sometimes its better to have all your ducks in a row and your prepared for anything