I think ex had me wrapped around his finger and he knew it. He took advantage of that situation. I knew the downside of his personality, but so often I could see the good side and tried to ignore the rest. I wanted to believe in him so badly that I let myself make those choices. Don't ask about the logic disconnect there, I can't explain it. "Yes, he's a good person. Yes he makes bad choices. And certainly by funding his bad choices he will stop and become the good person I know is still in there somewhere." Riiiiiight. Like I said, I can't explain it, other than I try to let myself off the hook a little bit because I was a raging alkie and drug user at the time myself. That's not escaping the consequences of my choices-- trust me, my credit card company sends me a letter every month to remind me I'm still responsible for them-- but I think it qualifies as an explanation rather than an excuse.
I could see I was being used but I wanted him to be the person I know he can be-- the person he was when I met him. It's weird because I always felt like he had control of the situation because if I stopped paying he could leave, but if I'd had an ounce of sense I would have realized I could have had the upper hand: I had the money, and he was using me. Which means he needed me more than I needed him. I just lacked the ability to realize that was the truth. Eventually I got tired of being used though, saw it was never going to get better and I started standing up for myself.
And the weird thing? He has a lot of truly wonderful qualities but among them is his ability to make me see that I am worthwhile as person. He did that before we started doing drugs or drinking, then some other stuff happened that caused the drinking and drugs to get out of hand and become a problem. In building me up he ensured eventually I would no longer need him or his b.s.-- I care about him and probably always will but I won't subject myself to that situation anymore.
[/codependency]
