Originally Posted by AnthonyV

I was first involved with AA when I was sent into treatment shortly after college in 1992 at age 24. I drank heavily then, but not daily and probably wasn't an alcoholic. I spent 28 days in a treatment center that convinced me I have no control over having the second drink if I drank the first drink, despite the fact that many times prior to checking into that treatment center I would have just one or two, but other times would have six, eight or ten. I walked out of that AA based treatment center convinced that if I had just one, I would have no control and would be on a bender to end all benders.

I was sober and going to meetings for a solid six months until I did the unthinkable and changed my environment and started a relationship with the love of my life. The implanted voices and the people in my group told me I would fail because I wasn't supposed to start a new relationship for a minimum of a year. But my heart and soul told me I needed to be with Robert so I moved from Michigan to Wisconsin to start our new life. I'm glad I did, because he needed me as he was dying of AIDS, we just didn't know it at the time as we were dumb 20-somethings, but fate would catch up with us later. I held his hand when he took his last breath. But I did start drinking again. I started smoking pot first, then a few beers. But I didn't go on the benders I was promised. After Robert died, I did go on the drinking benders. I drank until I passed out. Every day. I wanted so badly to kill myself, but I didn't have the courage so I drank to at least kill the me inside of me because I hated feeling cheated that the person I loved most in the world was taken away, and he was only 28 when he died.

Eventually I found my way back to AA and convinced myself my drinking patterns were the result of my disease progressing, not the result of extraordinary grief and depression. I wandered back and forth to the rooms for several more years and worked the steps like in a sincere effort. But somewhere I realized it doesn't make sense, it seemed like psycho-babble hocus-pokus and seemed to illogical much like the Catholic faith I had long walked away from previously.

I know, sincerely in my heart, that for some people AA works. I don't want to bash AA as I may one day needed it again, just like someday I may go back to church. But it's not because I believe in the dogma of AA or the dogma of church, but I believe in the strength of community. Of all the things I miss, it's the community of AA and the community of church. Once I can resolve the conflict I feel with the "rules" and "regulations" of those institutions and to truly take what I need and leave the rest, I just might return. I just may need the AA community again, even if I don't need the steps.

Doorknob, I lurk here more than I post, but you are truly one of my favorite members of this forum. When I see that you have posted something, I am more than likely going to click to read what you have written. I identify with your struggle, I am a 42 year old man on a similar path and I am thankful that you share your struggle. I wish you the best, most importantly I wish you happiness.

Peace!