I have been sitting here thinking about the "torn" state and what got me out of it. I really didn't admit to myself that I was an alcoholic until probably a month or so into sobriety. It was only with the clarity of sobriety that I was able to actually see the vast effects that alcohol had had on my life. I was uncomfortably wavering between the two options of sobriety and attempted moderation until I made up my mind definitively to get sober only probably about one month before I actually took the plunge. While I was torn, I was putting a lot of energy into controlling my drinking, into trying to make my life better, into trying to be happy. It wasn't working out. It was wearing me down. I am trying to figure out though what changed to change me and my attitude that steered me towards sobriety because I cannot quite pinpoint it. There was not a particularly bad night out. I felt empty. I felt defeated. And finally I gave up.
The one thing I do remember is this. And I think this might have been a pivotal moment. My therapist finally challenged me. My therapist who had sat through all my stories of alcohol, all my rationalizations, all my rules, everything, and listened to my basic desperation, my unhappiness for years finally was like "You have to stop." And I started to cry and said, "But that is all that I have." I think in that moment I was actually faced with really, truly giving up alcohol, and saw myself breaking down, part of me saw how much it was a part of my life, "all that I had," and that to give it up would feel like giving up my husband or my best friend or something of the like. Part of me realized that there was something warped in believing that alcohol was all that I had. And all the games and strategies that I had been playing over the last few years had been a desperate attempt to keep something in my life that I knew shouldn't be. My therapist said to me, "I guarantee you it is not all that you have." I did not believe her then. And I went into sobriety on a sort of faith, by which I mean I had no idea what was going to happen, what was going to take the place of something that had been so forefront in my life. I felt blind and alone and skeptical. It was scary as hell. It was/is hard as hell. I finally can say with sincere conviction that it is worth it.
I was lucky to have someone that I actually trusted challenge me. The thing is though that if she had challenged me when we first met I would have been like, peace out. I needed to trust her. I needed also to be ready. I don't know how to be ready. I just was. I never have had any DUIs, medical detoxes, etc. I am definitely an alcoholic. It blows my mind how much alcohol has hijacked from me. I feel grateful to have gotten into recovery now.
If I could say a few words to get you drinking without guilt and happy in life I would. I just sort of guess that you are like me and that probably won't happen for you. In any case I suggest trying the best you can to stay away from your rational mind which can play all sorts of fun tricks, I know mine did, and try to really examine on a deep level what alcohol and drugs mean to you. It may help you choose a direction.