Very interesting points - all of them and I am going to chew them over and respond individually. I had a setback of sorts, day before yesterday. I was honest, called the treatment center and said I would not be coming as I was drinking. I did receive a call back from the therapist saying he was looking forward to my return on Monday. I can see there are layers upon layers of things I just do not address. So what do I do? Sit and second guess myself over my feelings and pick up a drink. I tell myself I must be "sure" I am entitled to my feelings and that I am "being fair." I sit and tell myself I have to "process" said feelings in order to avoid ruining relationships. Well, the two I have had down here are ruined, for all intents and purposes. Now I am COMPLETELY alone. My one GF here told me she has tried to include me in her life as she feels "sorry for me," as if I'm some charity case. And Freepath, I *did* spend the night with someone and I am *not* casual about that - but he is. I know I should kick him to the curb, but...
Sure, I have friends in CA and MN - but no one where I live. And I constantly struggle with the concept of what am I doing here? Then I look at where I live and there is no way in heck I could replicate what I have. It's quiet, it's peaceful, it's beautiful and I have more space than one person needs - except for me I need a LOT of space. And it just happens to be paid for. That is my internal battle almost each day.
Well, enough about me. I am just trying to make it through the day without beating myself up too much. There are closets to be cleaned and things to throw out and things to be donated to people who have far less than I do. My house has never honestly looked so good in ages - if ever. I have a great shrink, great therapist, great meds and great treatment program therapist. The only thing missing is the support piece where I live. SR is a Godsend, if I don't mind using that language, which I don't.