The forgiveness I have given has nothing to do with step work, I carried around anger and resentment towards a particular person for decades while I was drinking and it took sobriety to make me understand that I was hurting myself by holding on to the bad feelings. 5 months into sobriety I was forced to deal with the person whom I had not seen in 10 years and I just had to "let it go" and I did. Eyes, the event you resent is still very recent and it may take a long time to let go and you may need distance from your husband.
You mention in this post:
"He does love me, he loves me more than he loves himself. Maybe that was part of the attraction in the beginning, maybe its part of the turn off now."
and have said similar things before but do YOU love him? Just because someone loves you does not obligate you to return that love nor be with the person. I don't know that I could live with someone that betrayed me that way it sounds that you were betrayed.
Judy