Viv
As a child I remanded religious because of fear, fear of eternal damnation. When I left my church my fear turned into anger. I personally felt deceived by the stories about God I was told in church. They just didn't add up to me. So on the emotional level I can relate with you. Fear and anger are two powerful emotions.
Intuitively I sensed there were better beliefs to hold that would bring meaning to the 'big picture'. One that helped me was to explore and come to some understanding about the universe. One understanding that held my interest (and still dose) was how stories about God come about and their role in societies. Deepening this understanding has given me a lot of relief, especially about all of the fears I had about God as a child. Another understanding that has helped is learning about nature and how people are effected by it and interact with it. Nature can bring great comfort and fear among a host of vast experiences all rolled into one. The one prominent thing I get from nature is living beings are born to thrive. And as humans, we get a grand opportunity to bring meaning to our own survival. That is I am allowed to have a purpose. I strongly believe I can assign my own purpose or let others do that for me. Personally I find it very rewarding to come to some understanding of what my purpose is that than to allow others to do it for me. That also goes for what is the purpose for everything. Collectively as well as individually people can make the experience of being alive a relativity pleasant one or a nasty one.