Sounds like you've really put some serious thought into the why's and when Scared. That's a start. It seems if you read this forum there is a lot of discussion as to what people are running from when they abuse alcohol and/or pills. I honestly haven't found out my demons, but I know the thing that held me back from being alive is the drinking. I didn't feel. I didn't know true bliss or the opposite because I never took the time to face emotions. I hid, but I'm not doing that anymore. It is definitely harder at times but so much more rewarding to face life. You have support here, but I definitely hope you'll first seek medical attention and then maybe counseling. You've had a lot to deal with friend. We will be here for you as much as we can.