You obviously have a lot of support here…I hope you find a workable plan and a way to sort through your difficulties.
I agree with Everyone…don’t take your eyes off of the long term goal of clean sobriety.
When you go to this place, I’ll bet that if you write during that time, you will be able to come back to recovery, even if you slip, and have a long list of the reasons why life is better without drugs or alcohol.
Please remember that there are people here who believe that you can change and find happiness and fulfillment in your life without drugs or alcohol.
Good Luck