Bamboozle

Bam’s enormous disclaimer: Please, folks. This is my very personal experience and my experience alone. My intent is not to bash anyone’s beliefs or to ridicule. Please do not take it that way.



I am an atheist--I used to be a Christian.

I am also a lesbian.



The bible that was given to me in my youth condemns gays and lesbians to hell for all eternity.



Even though I was in denial about my lesbianism when I was little, I knew. I knew from a young age that I was into girls big time, but I wadded up my true feelings and hid them away because I was scared, scared to burn in hell forever for simply being myself. And many around me believed that “homosexuals” burn in hell, too, although they didn’t know about me. What would they think? And still I went to church…I believed in God and I was scared that God would throw me to the fires.

I willed myself to be straight.

I willed “crushes” on boys.

It didn’t work.


I’m still afraid after all these years. Not of hell, but of people, and the damage that can be done with a few words in a book.

What’s the point of all of this? I see people all the time saying that one doesn’t need to believe in a god in order to do AA. Make whatever you want your higher power.

I can’t do that. And I mean it. The first time I read the steps, the fear came back. It was absolutely overwhelming. I resent the implication that I’m not having an open mind enough about this simply because I don't believe in a god. The words "higher power" will always mean a powerful god to me.

I’m hoping folks can understand where I’m coming from. Some of the others here have different stories to tell--they have their own reasons for what it is they do or don’t do. I want to make it clear I am NOT speaking for anyone except for myself. Everyone needs to find his or her way, and I’m working on finding my own.