i agree with "enough". (and welcome). i too think it is very important to know what the truth is and with addiction in control, the only way to find the truth is to drug test.
the fact of addiction is that it will cause the addict to lie about using, and to lie with great finesse. we are at an extreme disadvantage if we want to know what REALITY we are living, if we simply have only the addict's words or behaviors to go on.
i know we cannot control or cure the addiction. but if we are going to live with people with this condition, then we have to protect ourselves. many addicts do not seem at all intoxicated when they are high as a kite. princess diana died because she stepped into a car with a drunk driver who was not apparently drunk.
i want to be safe. i want to know that the person driving the car i am riding in is not high. i want to know that the person who might be having a cigarette in the living room or who might be taking care of the house while i am away or who might be parenting the children or petsitting the pets....is not DRUNK or DRUGGED.
if we are going to continue our relationships with recovering addicts, then i think we need to protect ourselves with information that is solid.
i don't think drug testing is controlling or demeaning. i think it is a check-up on the disease, not the person. i think it is survival in its most basic form.
here, we say watch ACTIONS. so in addition to the drug testing when we are uncertain of what reality is really at work, we also must promise ourselves that we will not minimize addict behavior, nor deny addict responsibility and accountability by making excuses for the addict who is not working a recovery program.
so it isn't just, is he slurring or wobbling or mean.....it is also is he walking the recovery walk. and the recovery walk is umistakable. it is meetings, amends, service, humility.
and we also have to monitor ourselves. no breathazlyzers available for codie thinking and behavior. but staying connected to recovering people and being totally honest and willing to accept feedback is a pretty good substitute.
all the very best as you work things through.