gneiss

Now that I'm starting to not be around druggies and drinkers so much I'm realizing it kinda messed up my head. Not just the drugs, but the people involved. Druggies aren't really the most trustworthy people; neither are dealers, nor alcoholics. It's really not fair to my friends and family, but I don't trust anyone now. Even when someone's just being nice I wonder what they are up to, what their motives are, if this is going to come back and bite me later. And when I start to feel that's a little irrational, a little voice in the back of my head whispers, "But, Beth. People really have their own agendas and really could be out to get you. Protect yourself." There's no balance-- it's all or nothing.

I take everything personally and I'm feeling depressed. I feel like none of my friends like me, they're just humoring me and letting me hang out. I felt like I was getting disconnected from people so I have made efforts to be social but then when I'm out I want to go home because I think they're lying to me and probably don't want me around. Breaking up with ex didn't help in that regard, but then he lied to me a lot, too and he is one of main reasons I wonder what people are up to.

And I can't tell if this is a result of spending too much time around druggies, or losing most of my friends because I'm not using, or a self-confidence thing about breaking up with ex or something else, or all of those or none. All I know for sure is that it sucks.