Zak, so sorry you still find yourself in this spot. The most heartbreaking part of dealing with alcoholism is the ups and downs...you think you're making progress one minute, and then you're dumped into an even deeper hole the next.
Your wife may not be CAPABLE of accepting help from others. She may just not have that ability within her -- a sponsor or AA folks might talk with her and "help" her 'til they're blue in the face, but it's possible she might never hear. And Still Waters is dead right: the "I'm unique" thing is so common in A's it makes me roll my eyes.
I am glad you're developing a vision of what you want your life to be like. That's fundamental no matter what choices she makes. You are not tearing your family apart. You are saving yourself and your kids from the shrapnel that is already flying from HER tearing it apart.
It appears to be time to set some boundaries, confront her on her infidelity, and preserve what's left of your sanity. I too seriously doubt she made a porno of herself just for her own enjoyment.
You and your kids deserve a better life than this. Not only is it horrible for all of you, but it's dangerous as well. Wishing you luck with your "talk" tonight. You have done enough now, friend
