My strength is failing
It has been a while since I posted. In the past I found you all to be the strength I needed to get me through with my wife's addiction.
In September we had a long talk about her drinking. Since that time things have been up and down but the good days were in greater abundance. In the last month things have taken a turn for the worse. Sunday we had a long discussion about her drinking.
She still refuses to attend AA meetings as she feels they are useless and the people there can't relate to her struggles. She won't let anyone in to help her and it frustrates me to no end. I have always told her that every A I know has someone they can call when they feel weak. I want to be that person and I realize there are times I will be the trigger so she needs someone else.
She says she never calls me becuase there are days she just wants a drink and knows I won't approve. I told her I wouldn't, why does she NEED a drink?
She got into this self pity phases, "I wish I was dead" "Why don't you just leave me" etc... I told her I have stuck around this long because I love her and I have faith that we can get through this. It ended on an up note and I thought things would be better.
Later that night she was drunk again. Monday was fine and last night I came home from watching a bag pipe band with some friends to find her drunk and home with the kids. Before I had a chance to confront her she passed out.
*mature readers next part please*
On top of that I found something that rocked my world. I was reading some mail my father sent me, one was a funny video and I had issues loading it so I was working to find a way to change my default player on the computer. In doing so I found a video she made of her self masturbating in front of the camera. I have not confronted her about this yet, last night I was going to but she passed out before I could. I just don't know what to make of it. To me the only reason you would do something like that would be to put it out to find someone on the internet. My mind is still racing trying to figure out any logical reason why she would do this. The video was only 13 sec long but you could tell she was aiming for a mood but one of the bed sheets got in her way so she stopped the recording. I assume she picked it up later once she got what she wanted.
It frustrates me to no end thinking I have been there these last four years (yes, I am your classic enabler) trying to be supportive, trying to love her better, trying over and over to get her the help so we can move on with our lives. If she is cheating this is my rock bottom and I will have reached it before her.
I read the article Cafferty with CNN wrote about his struggles and what it did to his wife and I saw myself in that article. I look back now at how I have changed these last four years and I don't like what this has turned me into. I want my life back. I want to genuinely smile again. I want to spend a night with my kids that doesn't involve her passed out on the couch or so drunk she can't even stand.
I know life will be hard. We have been married for 16 years this June and I can't imagine life without her. Scratch that, I can and it is a happy place I want to be. I just don't want to tear my family apart to get to that happy place.
Anyway, tonight I plan on letting it all out. I needed to vent here. I need to feel strong enough to say what I need to say and not whimp out when I hear her promises.
I will let you all know tomorrow how it went.