Hi Sillysquirrel,
My AH's mom has suffered depression in the past; I believe she's maintained a light dose of anti-depressants for years. Before we realized he was an A, he had a few depressive-type episodes, but never did anything about it. Late last year I brought it up to him again, and he went to see a doctor and had anti-depressants prescribed. Neither of us are really sure if the meds did anything, but now we've moved and the meds ran out and he's waiting to get his new health card to go see a dr. again. Point is, after my initial suggestion, I've stayed out of it. And will continue to do so. He's aware now, and the rest is up to him. He didn't like the 'idea' of meds, so in the end, even if he agrees with the diagnosis, he still may not take any steps. Out of my hands.
A friend from Al Anon whose husband became depressed (his dad was the A) did suggest a book called "I don't want to talk about it" (I think it's by Terrence Real?) about male depression. She recommended it solely for me to be informed and more compassionate if I felt AH suffered from D, but NOT for me to push him into anything.
I know what you mean about being a long-time partner with a person so wanting to help them. I am slowly learning the finer differences between having a healthy relationship and codie behaviours. It is subtle. Over these months, and with Al Anon, I have a 'healthy' concern for him. An example is when he complains about something. He'd say that some guy at work is a real deadbeat and not returning his calls on a time-sensitive thing. I'd say things like, yeah, the guy seems like an ass, why don't you send another email and copy his boss, or that if he doesn't respond by x, you'll move on and he'll lose his opportunity to voice his opinion. Seemed pretty innocent to me and he'd just say, yeah, I guess I could do that etc. I look back at simple situations like that and realize I was proposing solutions which took that power away from him. And I bet he wasn't asking me for any solution by sharing. So now, same situation, I say 'that's too bad you had a bad experience with this guy. How do you think you'll handle it?"
I feel better because I've acknowledged his issue, I'm sympathetic and listen. But, I'm still clearly on MY side of the line. I used the analogy of a soccer game to try to explain to my mom (who think I should fix him) - I can cheer him on from the sidelines, but I can't step onto the field and score his goals for him. You can support him in a way that still keeps you focussed on yourself. The 2 things aren't mutually exclusive.
I hope that helps. Do you go to Al Anon?