noon break and i'm checking in
Well... I will, wish some reservations, say i am doing ok today....I still spent the morning waiting for the shoe to drop at work....but was able to stay focus, clear up some things and will work on the horrible scarry back log stuff this afternoon....
It's so dissapointing to know that when things are at their most dificult, I am most likely to fall back into the old core belief system that I had for so long that I KNOW is not correct...is irrational and has been proven wrong so many times....fear and uncertainty just seem to make it seem like the way to go.
I'm pretty scred that my regular dr. will make me wait for meds till I can find a new Psych to see and be sure that the meds are the right ones... it's just too obvious right now that one misstep and i'm over the edge into the old rage and fear and acting out of it. As long as things go along fairly smoothly i seem to be able to keep my balance for now....but this is not a comfortable place to be. Plus knowing that i have to buck up, step up to the plate..whatever.. and get some profesional help with some of this old stuff ... once again...yuck...
The support i am recieving from AA, SR and other friends has just been amazing. I think I would have gone into full fledge run mode if I had not had the help of other compasionate human beings journeying by my side.
Anyways, I hope i can keep centered enough for the next few weeks or so to avoid too many insanity fits
And I really am terribly grateful that I never even considered a drink during the storm of the weekend! I mean I want to be able to say more than that, but you know when i watch people fall into this disease it really makes me realize how much better a chance I have in this life if I just don't drink. The rest comes in time I guess (hey jason...if you read that line plese forgive me
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