My story is amazingly quite similar to Barbara's. 2nd marriage, looking back - all the wrong reasons, I knew about his problems even though they were in the "past".
But, my AH got sick immediately, very very ill - and I invested all of me into caring for him. Surgeries led to addiction to the pain meds, led to drinking massive amounts. Unbelievable amounts, I'd never seen anyone drink like that. And with that came all the insanity in the home, crazy behaviour, hateful actions, etc.
The marriage started out so oddly due to his illness, and never got any better. I was never given access to the bank accounts, he drove off in my car one day and I never saw it again. It took over a year for me to get a vehicle of my own after that. I could go on but you get the idea.
He finally agreed to rehab, with pressure from his family. The hatefulness continued from there, in letters. I was stupid, I didn't "get it", and on and on. He refused to forgive me for the one thing I regret in my actions, yet never once apologized for his actions or even said a thanks for me wiping his rear and taking care of him all those long months.
He was now sober, with the same actions as he had drunk. The same thought processes, the same emotional abuse towards me and my daughter as before. And I just got more and more depressed, waiting waiting waiting for him to "get better".
I started therapy, which was the BEST thing I ever did. And I realized I had to get out of there, for my sanity so that I could do what was right for my daughter. The other things, the reasons behind my terrible terrible decision to marry him could be worked on later, I had to GET FREE of that abuse. And like Barbara, I left with no notice. Packed what would fit into a vehicle that isn't in my name, and drove off.
No money, car not mine...and God it felt so good. Still does
If I could just find a job, sigh.
There has been no contact since I left in late Oct. except he emailed a friend of mine recently asking for my address, because he's "getting tired of hearing from her creditors".
My creditors, nice hunh? He cuts off the credit cards, and closes the joint accounts...my creditors. Whatever, I can't pay them right now whoever they are.
So, while I look for work, I try to work on the whys. Why why why? I didn't grow up in an abusive family, my parents aren't alcoholics. Why? I've always been too naive, I know this. I believe, or want to believe, what people say and discount what my gut tells me. I didn't think he would be emotionally or mentally abusive, I can say that truthfully. But once it began I let it go on waaaay to long.
I sometimes tell myself that all my decisions in my life have been wrong, but I know that cannot be true. I have to work on letting go of the guilt, I've done the best I could with what I've had to work with, I know this. But, I do have a lot of guilt still.
In the end, I've learned some valuable if hard lessons in all this. You cannot change someone no matter how much you love them. You have to be tough, to save yourself, because these type people don't care whether you survive sanity intact or not. You can't take to heart anything they say, be it good or bad, cause it all ends up being run through the gristmill of addiction - it's really not about you at all, but what they need at the moment or what they have made up in their heads.
You cannot reason with insanity.
Sorry, not much wisdom here, but - that's my story.