I'm so sorry you are living this rollercoaster ride to hell. I have been on it for a looonnnggg time as well.
I knew I had hit my bottom on December 31, 2008 at 6pm -- lol. This had followed months of MIA and sucking me back in and doing it again (years really but it had become unbearable in the last part of 08).
We were having a New Years party -- been planned for months or I wouldn't have gone through with it -- didn't want to let all my friends down -- things had been really bad for the month of December. Well he was definitely using cocaine that night -- I knew he had a problem for years but had never witnessed him using. He simply wouldn't come home usually. It was soooooo obvious and not only to me. It was devestating and embarrassing to me. My kids, thank god, weren't home. But they came home New Years day and he was either still using or still high (I don't know enough about it). My 16 year old asked what was wrong with him -- she said he looked like he was on coke. That was my bottom. He brought it in our home and exposed our children. I asked him to leave. I basically said that you have a major problem -- choose to get help with it or leave. He chose to leave instead of seeking help. It was hell until he moved out -- house full of tension, walking on egg shells, I couldn't function although he could. When I finally let go was when he agreed to leave. Nothing he did was my problem any more -- nothing he spent, nothing he said, NOTHING.
I must say that it has been way more peaceful (although I still have a lot of anxiety). We are in kind of a "stalemate". He is paying my mortgage for the time being but we have no plans at the moment of how to go forward so that is making me nervous. Even though we are separated, I still feel tied down.
This will not be quick so I try to deal one day at a time. It takes time to dissolve a 27 year old relationship. But I know it will get better every day now that I have the time I wasted trying to control him and his addiction, to focus on myself and my "codie sickness". Recovery takes time -- I have it now to spend on my one and only life.
take care
Laurie