bmychelle,
WOW my situation almost mirrors what you are going through. My emotions are stinging right now with all kinds of feelings from anger, regret, sadness, and rejection, hurt behind relief, at least at times that’s how it feels.
Like you I am always the strong, dependable responsible one hiding my feelings and pretending nothing bothers me, guess I do that to appear as the strong, dependable responsible one!
I ended a 10 year relationship the other night, about 7 years too late. For the last 10 years all I’ve known is the comfort, the love and companionship of a terrific man who relapses into an unkind, unloving selfish individual. 3 relapse in the last 7 years. My problem was the relapses didn’t last long so the horrible individual didn’t appear for very long. I think that’s why I stayed.
Last summer I discovered he was in constant contact with a neighbor, very codependent very needy and her alcoholic husband left her and she felt she bonded with my bf because the alcoholic factor and she mostly talked about her ex and his drinking. The drama and chaos with her affected our relationship very much. He ended contact with her to his shock that she was in love with him, needed him, and stalked him for duration of time before she finally went away.
My bf was with me every night every weekend day and night yet I discovered a text message on his phone the other night to her saying “I love you” with her replying back “I love you with all my heart good night babe”. His response to me was, anger that I had looked at his cell phone, followed with his justification of we are only friends, her grand mother died and she needed someone to talk to. O and he told me that he always says I love you to his friends (he doesn’t have any friends) he hates everyone. The nodding off indicated to me he was abusing pain pills again, the throwing up and not eating all were tell tale signs of his most current relapse.
Back in January he received pain pills via a pain management for back problems. He was honest with the doctor, I was there and heard him. After a month he started going to pain management where about 3 weeks ago he asked to be put on suboxone. His lack of money these past few weeks indicates to me he is seeing several doctors using different pharmacys and paying cash for pain meds.
I think had I not discovered that text message I’d still be there I think waiting for the terrific man to re-appear once he got the beast of addiction under control again. I know in my heart discovering that text is what needed to happen to get me to leave and end it as I see his downward progression. We’ve split up before over his relapses this one is different I am different.
But I also have feelings that are stinging from hurt, betrayal which I still can’t figure out, he was with me every night and he was at work everyday so she was a phone pal I guess, who know’s and I wish I could say who cares but my feelings still care because I am so hurt by him. I have to go to the apartment this weekend and gather the rest of my things I am not looking forward to it and am thinking of calling him to see if I can just come after work and be done with it.
He was so angry the other night when I packed most of my things to leave, he said so much hurtful blah blah blah’s and managed to put all the blame on me.
Now it’s just getting my heart and head on the same page and focus on me and my future which will never again include an addict or alcoholic.
Guess working through these emotions which seem to flip on a dime, angry and hurt to sad and feeling down about myself is a process.
I am sorry this happened to you but please know you are not alone.