liesagain

not to hijack the thread but I wanted to ask/mention something
my life with my AH is pretty much as Anvil discribed.........we work we share kid duties he bathes the dogs and takes out the trash even sweeps and mops to give me a break we spend days at the beach, days of shopping or going to the flea market, movies and dinner with the kids, birthday parties with the family, dinner with friends, meetings and life is just that.......life
the issue is.............there are 365 days in the year and in those last 365 days on 2 seperate times out of the last year he ~~~out of nowhere leaves the house off goes the phone and hes off running for crack and then the next day...........theres the call and the severe crashing and depression( I do want to mention that he first "relapsed" the first time after 10 yrs without crack and in the beginning after the first "relapse" it was more frequent...30 days 60 days in between using but for the purpose of this post I'm talking about hhe last year)

the damage is the same despite the fact that its not Long streches of bindging and the pain is the same the lies the broken trust
but I just dont understand (and never will) how the drug has that much pull that life can be Normal and fine until its not

I swear I actually wish that his addiction had a daily showing, that he was doing all those things Rita and others say they went without last night.....that I had to witness it like that on a day to day basis then I think it may be easier..........but as it is it is just sooooo difficult to walk away

hes been an addict for the majority of his life, yet cant seem to keep it arrested.
I no longer think I can figure it out...the whats missing part but I sure as heck wish he would.

Its not a lack of action.............well at least not until that final urge hits.
He attends meetings daily he prays he meditates he has his support group and sponsor he even chairs meetings he "gives back" gives guys rides and food and clothes and he talks to me and shares how he is so grateful and that he knows its an illusion
feels like hes in a chess game in his own mind trying to stay ONE step ahead of his disease because hes been "tricked" to many times..................

yet one night of using dreams........and he throws it all away
he could have woke me and told me and said hey I'm gonna stay home today............but nope he didnt why?
he wants to use? pride?
no clue
keep asking myself............theres a 97% chance that he will ever find long term recovery.............do I want to live with the 3% of the time that hes not? when do you give up on them expecially if the continue to try continue to pick themself up and keep working towards recovery?


sorry to hijack just wanted to share my thoughts and feeling when I read this thread............
thanks guys for always beening here!!