New Member Introduction
Wow. I can't believe I'm doing this. I hope I'm in the right place to be posting like this. I hope I'm doing it correctly, and please accept my apologies if I'm screwing this up somehow. I can be taught!
*big breath* I've realized I have an addiction to prescription painkillers, and they have gone from being something I took strictly for pain, to being a bit of an emotional crutch, to being something I cannot physically stop taking, AND I cannot emotionally stop taking them. I just can't.
When I try to stop...wow. The feeling is like every ounce of hope I've ever had in my life has been completely sucked out of me. It's the most terrifying hopelessness. This void opens up in my brain, and then rapidly sucks out any of the happiness I've managed to build. I feel absolute panic, like the walls are closing in on me. And the physical reaction is miserable...like I have "restless legs", but all over my body. Constant goosebumps and jumpy-nerves, my stomach gets intensely crampy, I get a splitting headache, my muscles are fatigued and hurt to the point that walking and even moving feels impossible, I can't sleep, I can't hold still, I can't get my mind to stop racing, I start sweating and feel like throwing up. Quite glamorous.
I've never been addicted to anything, and did not think I had an "addictive personality" - I get my pills legally, and read and signed all the required forms. I didn't go into this blind or intending to abuse them. I guess at this point it doesn't matter, though, because I AM abusing them, and I AM addicted.
I'm just starting the journey of realizing there is a problem, and I guess I'm at the point of realizing I need to stop...but right now I feel like I can't. And I'm scared. I'm scared, and I feel very alone, and very hopeless. In the last few months the feel-good part of the pills only lasts the first 15-20 minutes after they hit. After that, it's a much milder, bearable version of the hopeless feeling I experience when I go too long without taking them. I'm scared of how I will feel in 6 months if I don't get a grip on this. Will the emotional high go lower & lower until I don't even experience one? Then what? How will I exist without it?
I don't know what to do, but I do know I need help. So this is probably really lame, but admitting all of this is a huge step for me - I've never before put it into words and fully admitted all of this as an addiction I need help for.
Thanks to anyone who read through all this crap.