Do you or did you feed your "MORE/DIFFERENT" monster?
I was thinking about something today after counseling. When I was drinking it seemed that nothing in my life was good enough for me, not the house, not the cleanliness of the house, not the huzzy either. I spent my evenings sitting on the porch getting sideways either fuming about how I was certainly being wronged or daydreaming about what right would look like. I had tons of "things would be totally better and I could quit drinking if ______(insert my focus of the week here). Sometimes it was as simple as exercise and sometimes as serious as leave my husband. I was the victim you see of a terrible conspiracy..... lol I have come across the following bit of wisdom I am not sure how many times but it never gets old. YOU are responsible for making YOU happy. Seems easy enough right.....
The other thing I realized today is that there are layers to this for me. One was obviously to stop the drinking, take responsibility for that and quit. The second part which became quickly apparent was that it wasnt someone elses fault that my life was the way it was. Now I am learning to live my life instead of drown it. The part that really struck me today though was that my counselor as homework had me write out what the perfect day alone would be like.....so I did and after my appt I took a walk. I realized that the 'dreaming' I was doing while drunk wasnt even in fact what I wanted at all!!!! This may be a no brainer for some but it caught me by surprise.
Here are some things that while drunk I would daydream about on the porch
....................things I realize now that I dont even want.....
....to go out dancing almost every night of the week
....to move into town without my huzzy
....to leave my huzzy
....to finally tell so and so off...
....to be in charge of my relationships....have the upper hand if you will
....to make my huzzy and everyone else love me the way that I want them to...instead of them being themselves
Thats just the beginning....what a freakin nightmare that would have been! Thank whoever that I didnt get what I was daydreaming about.
Instead..what I want now...
....to nest at home for the most part
....to be more grateful for where I live
....to do everything in my power to do my part in making my marriage work
....to reduce the negative energy in the world
.... to be a PARTNER in all my relationships
....to get past my need to control others...be able to sit back and let the love flow as it may lol
I guess I realized today too that I am a little more quiet and simpler than I thought. I dont have to be harsh, there is nothin to protect myself from.....I dont need ALL the answers...just my own
Anyone else feed their monster ever?
:ghug for everyone!