Death
Okay...I hesitate to post this...I don't know if this thread is going to be considered a trigger for some...so if it is, please remove it, mods. Please stop reading folks if this is an uncomfortable subject for you in any way.
I've been thinking a lot lately about atheism...my existence….and how I’m becoming more comfortable (to a point) with death…my death. It’s making me think about my drinking…and how everything in life comes down to a choice…and that no matter what I do I’m going to end up dead at one point or another.
I have an idea of what it will be like. Much thanks to Greta Christina and her wonderful blog on this subject…she talked about how going under for surgery is probably a lot like how dying will be.
I went under once for a minor surgery….I can remember being told to count up from one…I don’t think I made it to three….some time later I woke up alone on a bed…shivering uncontrollably. It wasn’t like going to sleep, that’s for sure. Now…I only have a memory (not really…) of blanking out. I believe that when it happens for real I won’t know right when it’s coming, even if I know it’s coming…and of course I won’t know that it did happen because I’ll have no consciousness left to be aware. I really don’t think there is an afterlife…so I’ve been feeling lately that it doesn’t matter what I do at all...like life is one huge exercise in futility. This is dangerous thinking, but I don’t know how to turn it around into something positive.
This is a huge reason why relapsing has been on my mind. It’s not the only reason, but it’s an important part of it. I’ve wanted to post about this one for a while…this will probably get removed…but I don’t know who else to talk to.
My question is this, obviously to the atheists: How can you cope with the understanding that you have on existence and be positive in recovery and in life? I need help.