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Old 02-27-2009, 08:58 AM
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Rose56
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
I'm working it...and the going is slow

Hi Friends,
Recently back to Alanon and my friends here. I am working a program and the going is slow, but sure. I feel much more serenity than I did a couple of months ago, before I came back. Looking to make some big changes, not sure yet what they are, but they are coming. I spent a few weeks focused on making the BIG decision, whether to leave or stay. Its not looking good for staying in this relationship, but I am not 100% there yet. I have been trying to focus on me and what I want out of my life now. This attitude shift takes all my attention and effort.

Tomorrow my AH and I are driving to Fl to visit his family. His Dad and brothers are all big A's so this will be a big party. At first I told myself that I would not help to fund the trip, and without my help he would not have been able to go. But then I thought, I can use a few nice days in the sun, away from work, an inexpensive get away. So I told him that if he paid for gas I would put in $200 for other expenses. We will be staying with family and eating in etc, so this might just be enough. If he wanted to have extra spending money, he could have skipped his trips to the local bars three times a week for the past three weeks. But he didn't, so it will be tight.

I have been thinking about what I want to do while we are there and have plans to see my own Dad, go to the movies, go to Barnes and Nobel, go to the community pool to read by myself. I may even go shopping and get my hair done. All these things I allow myself with MY money. This is how I plan to have a great time this week.

This is some progress for me. I still "gave in" to meeting AH's needs to be with his family. But it seemed like a reasonable need, one I could support, that is if he made some effort to finance it. Which he has.

The problem I deal with is that my AH behavior is not that bad right now. Not that great either. I am trying to let go of judging myself for struggling with this relationship, and let it be ok that I am slowly working my way through all of this. Because I am making progress, every day I am trying to become more fully myself.

In May I will turn 50 years old. I have decided to join a mission trip that my church is taking to Jamaica in June. We will be building the roof on a church that was damaged in a hurricane. I am doing this on my own and just for me - a present to myself. I know it will be a life changing event.

Just wanted to let you all know where I was. I'm here, reading your posts, growing, changing, and tomorrow I will be taking a rest. Thanks for listening, any words of insight or wisdom would be welcomed.
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