Originally Posted by
makey77 
I recently met a recovering alcoholic (2 years sober). He has a lot of great qualities, but we don't know each other that well. I am not an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic, but I'm certainly not perfect myself. I don't know anyone who is an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic either. So this is a new world for me and I feel like I'm trying to learn a new language by reading a few things on the internet. Is there something I should be talking to him about? Are there questions I should ask him about his recovery his sobriety? Other than time and conversation (as in all relationships) is there any way to find out if he's ready for a relationship? I am looking for any help or suggestions you have. Thank you.
Hello and welcome to Sr
I have dated sober alcoholics, and truly sober alcoholics are a joy to be around. They can be as or more wonderful as anyone, more so in many cases if they are truly working a program of recovery. I was in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman that is one of my closest friends today, she has 21 years of continuous sobriety. Most of my friends are recovered alcoholics with ten plus years of sobriety, most with 20+ years. I have also dated a "sober" alcoholic that was anything but (sober) and it was the most painful relationship I have ever been in.
In my opinion, it does take quite a few years for true change to take place, like core change, that has been my experience, and is the experience of my friends with long term sobriety as well. He may be a wonderful fellow, but do be aware, that with two years of sobriety, occasionally you will probably witness a few roller coaster rides with him as his "issues" surface. If he is actively working a program of recovery, and the two of you walk through these issues together and skillfully, they can be ways to become closer and heal each other.
Trust your gut, and please post down in the Alcoholic 12 step forum to ask the sober alcoholics what to look out for.
As suggested, see if you can attend an open meeting of AA with him. It's helpful to ask if he has a sponsor, talk to him about past relationships, past behavior is the best predicator for future behavior. Is he friendly with his exes? Does he speak warmly of them? IS he working the steps? what step is he on? How does he interact with others? How does he treat animal? children?
He will give you all the information you need to know, if you watch closely, but do keep a weather eye and pay attention to how he acts while he's driving. How he acts and talks about others? Does he take personal responsibility for his "life" and well being or are his problem caused by others? Does he have a history of relapse? Is he well liked and popular in the meetings you attend with him?
Dating a sober alcoholic is very similar to dating anyone else, the important thing is to educate yourself with what true recovery looks like, then decide if that's what he has.
I am not religious, but when someone appears in my life, I am a firm believer that my higher power placed them in my life because we have something to learn from each other. It's been my experience that we attract our mirrors so this man obviously has some lesson for you. What that lesson is I don't know, it may even turn out to be stay away from alcoholics, sober or otherwise, or it may be he turns out to be your soul mate and you two belt out a gaggle of urchins and you live happily ever after.
Originally Posted by
nelco I am a recovering alcoholic and I must say i find this thread a little insulting to say the least. I understand some people have painful experiences with certain people in their lives but we cannot all be judged because of that. I also understand some alcoholics are just dry and not in recovery from their addiction..but The nicest most well rounded people I have met in my life to date, are recovering alcoholics. They are honest, open and very much living in reality. They live in the real world. they are in touch with their feelings. If this guy is truly in recovery you have got lucky. He is not his illness please dont judge
Hey Nelco
I am also a recovering alcoholic, and this question by the original poster is by no means insulting to me, nor should it be to any recovered alcoholic.
Alcoholics are "different", they have very specific behaviors, sober or drunk, and for someone who is dating a sober alcoholic educating themselves about alcoholism, relapse, everything about it is an intelligent decision.
This forum is for friends and family of alcoholics, not alcoholics, and they have every right to post what they want. I am here because although I am an alcoholic, I am a friend and family of an alcoholic. I try to strictly limit my "shares" here about that, although I fail repeatedly, but I need to remember this is
THEIR forum, they can write and say whatever they want.
There was NO judgment in her question, just a sincere desire to educate herself about alcoholism, and what it's like to date a recovering alcoholic.
Please don't berate the folks here for your insecurities, most of them have suffered enough at the hands of alcoholics.
As being representative of Sober Alcoholics, let's try to remain respectful, and prove by our actions that we can be wonderful people to have in their lives and limit our share to being a friend and family of an alcoholic.
Let's respect the House we are in, shall we?