Originally Posted by
Barbara52 
If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Just be aware that everytime you set a boundary and then let him violate that boundary without consequence, you are teaching him that you don't mean what you say.
We have to realize that every time we condition someone, we are taking part in their self-destruction. It feels right to give in, because we can make the pain go away faster (see the book Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward), but after doing it a few times, we condition them to think that it works. And we condition ourselves to respond in the way they want.
It's a viscious cycle, that we become afraid to break!
What motivates you to stay? To help? Your need to be a part of his life? Your fear to know he'd be just fine without you? Your desire to fix him? Are you ignoring your suspicions that he's just using you as a Hostess - a home base he can go to, where his b.s. would be accepted?
When my live-in ABF said to me (yelled at me, rather) that I push men away, and have pushed all my boyfriends away, and all my relationships failed because I pushed men away, at first I thought "oh, no, could that be true? How hurtful!!" The classic, expected response. Then I thought, "hmm, but that's not true. And how would he know why my relationships failed? I didn't push them away, and no one ever said that. I did all the breaking up anyway." Originally, I wanted to fall into his trap and give him the expected reaction, which was, "woe is me, I'm so terrible at relationships" but it wasn't true about me, so I snapped out of it.
I've conditioned my ABF very much: giving in when he'd yell, or get angry (fear of binge, or leaving me), giving in when he'd blame me for something. Just to keep the peace. But at what cost? Second guessing myself? Permitting disrespectful behavior?
Anyway, I started being able to detatch myself from him when I started looking at myself and my needs for the answer. Why am I staying here? Why am I accepting behavior in my life that I wouldn't expect from a stranger? Why am I willing to let inappropriate comments and behavior go? To keep him? To avoid seeing him pack up his stuff and go? To avoid seeing him able to leave me without flinching? To not know that he went back to his ex wife and it was her he loved all the time? Well, we can stay on the same page and not get to the next chapter of the book, which may be filled with joy and happiness, and freedom and relief. Or we can look to ourselves and our false beliefs for the answer. I found my answer. And I found it inside of myself.
Good luck and stick with this board. The members here are amazing people. Very caring, compassionate, enlightening people. I wish we could all meet weekly and just talk! The posts have helped me a lot. I've learned a lot about myself - and how I'm responsible for ME and my well being, and if I choose to be with him, well, it's my choice to put up with what he's got to offer. It's not my place or in my ability to change him.
~Really Ready, but this time, to leave...