Ohhhhh the visits - never knowing before you go in what kind of mood he will be in. Will he be lonely and sweet wanting Mom or will he be angry and argumentative wanting someone to yell at. i like you, have my boundaries set in stone with visits. If he is abusive I leave and i dont go back for a long time. Before I do go back we have a discussion on the phone - he must apologize and then i yet again explain the boundaries of my visits.
i know the co-dependant should in theory do what they want for them but as a mom i understand that sometimes we do things we dont want to do for our children. We sometimes need to just see their face and see that they are healthy. I also know as an adult child that sometimes i still need to just be in the presence of my parents - people that love me even when i screw up.
I find it easier not to talk about important things. Instead talk about the food, his cell-mate, whether he is sleeping, playing cards, gotten any letters, etc. I try very hard to keep it from turning the conversation to what is going to happen when he gets out or his addiction. If he does bring that up I just say "that sounds great" or "that's nice" and dont offer any words of wisdom. Before I go in I say this prayer over and over, "let me be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to anger." It is my jail-visit mantra.
What has really gotten to me lately is that over the last month my son has started calling me "mommie" again vs. "mom" which he has called me for years. I dont know why but its as if he is starting to need me like a child again. I can just imagine how a psychiatrist would analyize that. I dont think he is doing it to manipulate me I just think that he is feeling more vulnerable.