I sent my brother the same message I first posted here this morning and I am bawling like a baby at his responce. There hasn't been alot of talk over the details of dads life over the years. I havn't seen this brother since the day my dad died, not because I didn't want to, or he didn't want to. I have recently began talking with him again and I love him so much, he completely relates to me.
Response from brother:
I miss him OFTEN.
Every time I look at a lake or the gorgeous country around me, or my boys catching fish, I ask him if he can see this, and know that he'd love to be there. In my heart, he always is - acting like the expert on EVERYTHING, and me making fun of him when I can see he is as clueless as the rest of us
He had a lot of facades, but near the end, he occasionally let his guard down a little and I still remember how much he seemed like a scared little boy at that time, and I still get sad about seeing him like that - he would never have wanted anyone to know he wasn't perfect.
I had a lot of arguments with him those last couple of years - always about the same thing - he put money first, and I just could never get my head around that concept. To me, money is only good for what fun you can have with your family with it, but for him, it was an end in and of itself. Eventually, though, I think he realized we were just different, and he accepted my position without agreeing - but I sometimes felt like it embarrassed him that I didn't care about ever having a Mercedes or a Rolex, and probably never would.
The thing that made me the saddest about him in retrospect is that I don't know if he ever had a REAL relationship with anyone; a REAL friend; everything in his world was about appearances and money and connections, and the only people he knew (supposed friends) were people he either paid, owed money to, or they owed money to him. Thankfully, I don't have a single person on earth that I have a 'financial' relationship with - mine aren't perfect, but they're real.
For me, more died that day than Dad - Patty and Nana did too. I don't think I've ever hated anyone, but from that day on, how I felt about those two was pretty close. I will always blame Nana for making Dad be so lonely and sad - she was without a doubt the cause of it in my mind. Everything she did was fake and for show - more concerned with how it looked than what it was, and I despise that. How anyone could turn on their own child, NO MATTER why, is just shocking and appalling to me. Family meant NOTHING to those two unless there was benefit to them involved, and I never saw two bigger fakes and phonies in my life. Probably the only 2 people who NEITHER ONE ever worked a day in their life, never EARNED anything, trying to judge and dictate to those who did still makes me want to puke every time I think about it, which, thank God, is hardly ever any more.
I can walk into any bedroom in this house early in the morning and SEE and TOUCH my rewards for my efforts on this world. I can listen to them breathe, see their messsy hair and fat little hands and know that what I do MATTERS. They look like angels - and that's WAY more important than looking rich. My bank account may be empty, but my heart is always full, and I know I have so much more than I deserve, and it makes me so very happy. I really have no fear at all about death - it's been a grand life, and full of love.
Dad may have had his issues, but there was a direct cause beyond his control, and I tell myself he did the best he could with what he had, and that's all I expect of anyone.
"Don't try to tell me it ain't what it is
I'm good
At seeing signs
I'm good
At reading between the lines
There's no use in hangin on
Cuz you're good to go
And I'm good as gone"
We all end up in the same place; the road we walk to get there is what matters. I know at least one to avoid, and I thank Dad for that.