Update on AD/Still no Rehab
My AD has been sober for 30 days tomorrow. It's been a real struggle for her and for all of us who love her.
Despite many many attempts, phone calls, emails, she has been unable to find a rehab facility without a months long waiting list, she has pretty much given up on that, breaks my heart to see her begging for help and there is none to be found.
Makes me wonder when I see so many posts about people being in two or three different programs along the way what the secret to finding these places is.
In alot of ways, it's worse now than it was when she was using, that's a terrible thing to say but it's true. She puts it better than I could, "I don't have the drugs anymore, now I have to feel everything." She's an emotional mess. She said today that she doesn't know what is wrong with her, she is very depressed, has constant anxiety, and says that she doesn't care about anything anymore. She has left twice in two weeks and not come home for a couple of days, leaving me with her children. Says she just can't deal with her dad constantly accusing her of still using, being a "crackhead", tells her the best thing that could happen is if she was dead..he is not supportive of her recovery, is very hateful with her.. and I believe he wants her to fail so he can be right about her. She told me she knows that it will take time for everyone to see that she is serious in her recovery, but I can tell that his treatment is very hurtful for her.
Staying away from her kids is behavior that she displayed at the very end of her using...I did a drug test today, because I honestly did not believe that she had not relapsed. She asked me to do the test..so I would believe her. She is clean. This behavior, I know, is the emotional side of becoming a recovering addict. I am fearful for her life at this point, she is so depressed and in so much emotional pain.
I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and be evaluated at the behavioral unit, she said yes, but then, what about her children? There is no one who can care for them, I have to work and I simply cannot afford their daycare. I can't risk loosing my job, I have no time off left after taking off to assist with her detox, but I have pretty much resigned myself to giving up my job so that she can get treatment, and drove her to the hospital, they would not admit her because she has no insurance and say it's not a life threatening emergency..easy for them to say, she is destructing right in front of me. They refer her to an outpatient counseling service who has already refused to treat her because she has no insurance and can't pay for their services.
She finally applied for medicaid, but it will be a month before she starts receiving services.
She is doing the best she can and is staying sober, not using, it's taking everything she has to stay clean. I don't know how much longer she can hang on like this. I am thankful she isn't experiencing withdrawal symptoms, (thanks to a naltrexone implant) she is fighting the battle of her life.
I don't want to try to control her recovery, but she is reaching out asking for help..the kind of help I have prayed she would ask for..I have no answers, but I do have alot of anger and I just don't understand what it takes to get help when you are reaching out for it..ready for it. I believed it would be there when she was ready. How wrong I was about that. At one point today, she had a real meltdown, and asked me why I lied to her about being able to do a rehab program after she finished her detox. Later after she calmed down, she apologised and told me she didn't really blame me, she is just so exhausted and sad. All I could do was hug her and tell her that it will get better, but I honestly don't think I believe that right now.
She has been to several NA meetings, she said that listening to everyone talk about their addiction and what they used makes her think about using again. I have not encouraged her to go back, but I did suggest that she work the 12 steps on her own and maybe attend some meetings here on SR.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I never dreamed it would be this difficult.