Hi Sally -- I was touched by the rawness of your post -- I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I often miss my AH -- what we had, all the many many good times we shared, all of lifes wonderful blessings like children and family. I am in the process of separating at the moment so he is not "fully gone" (we are still in the same house). I'm sure that will produce a whole new level of pain for me but I'm ready -- bring it on!
Every time I have become melancholy about all the great things we have shared (we have been together 27 years), I have tried to remember the bad -- and there has been plenty of bad. When I think that I'm making the wrong decision about separating and I want to reconcile, I think about what that would really be like. Like your husband, mine refuses to get help for himself and his problem. He chooses to continue to live the lifestyle that I no longer want any part of. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
At this point, I don't think he wants a reconciliation either and that hurts. I know what you mean when you say that he doesn't love you and the kids enough to get help. But I have come to realize, it's not about me. It's not about how much he loves me (and I'm sure he does). It's about his new priority, the true love of his life right now -- his addiction.
Hang in there, you say you are coming out of that darkness. Embrace it and focus on you and your kids. I'm thinking of you today............