My hopes are in typing this and then reading it back to myself that I may see and know the truth.
My hubby is coming up on 90 days sober. while he was in the treatment center, I fought very hard for him to go to a half-way house instead of coming home. After being in a ten year relationship with him and having three kids, all the years or pain, resentments, and frustrations needed their own time to heal and figure out who the heck I am?~!
taking care of everything for 10 years, puts you into a survival mode. I have lost touch with who I am and what I want out of life.
While he was not living here, it was such a sigh of relief. Yes, I had more to do... with 3 small kidlets(well, now that i think about it, that's not true because when he was here drunk it was just physically). I became aware of my feelings, finally realizing that i deserved to be loved, treat with respect and that I wasn't a pile of crap that I LET HIM CONVINCE ME I WAS!!
He has been home about a month(still not my (choice), and what i feared and fighted for has happened.. things are the same as when he left just no drinking YET!!!!!
While I was cleaning I found his journal and papers from the treatment center. So are the things and feelings that alcoholics write in treatment their true feelings or are the ones that they utter now more accurate???????????????????????????
In his writings he wrote,
!"i married her on the rebound. she is not my soul-mate"
!"I know if we divorce my standard of living will considerable change"
"Do I really love her or is it an ego/pride thing if we divorce?"
"she yells too much, I don't like the way she is raising the kids, i don't like the way she keeps the house"
When he was out of the house he checked into serveral divorce law seminars and support groups.....
Well is he staying with me because he doesn't want to live in poverty or grow old and lonely? The other day in counseling he said he was committed to this marriage, I'm having a very difficult time with this because he is an alcoholic and they LIE, DECIEVE, CHEAT, and very MANIPULATIVE!!!!!!!
Do I want to stay or do I want to have a future where I don't have to deal with mistrust non or poor communication, being the blame for all our problems, being critizied all the time.....WILL I EVER BE LOVED BY ANOTHER WHO COULD APPREICATE ME???
To make matter worse I was brought up Catholic, so I was taught the only valid reason for divorce was/is death. **i just nocited that alcohOLIC and CathOLIC have the same ending and both always include lots of guilt......
(
thanks for letting me see what I needed to read...
joyfulheart